Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
