dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
