before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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