She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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