Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why are your pants in the freezer?
And then he peed in my hair
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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