I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
whose parrot is this?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
how does that bad decision feel?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
