The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
