im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
