I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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