I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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