I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
