mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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