she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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