He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
