Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
