party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
birth control should be required to get into college
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
