If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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