i jhust puked up my retainher.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
