What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
