I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize