I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
