Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
