my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
