i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
