oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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