Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize