theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
