ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
