I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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