We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
