I have demons in me.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize