If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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