evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
