you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
