There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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