dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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