so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
