This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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