From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
