Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Drake has all the answers
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
