marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
