my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
where are you?
Hypothermia
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
