even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
