So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
