Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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