So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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