3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
COCAINE IS GR8
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
