I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
