What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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