just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's always time for handjobs
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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