college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
