this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
