I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
