We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize