Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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