mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize