My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
