WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
