I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
