based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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